here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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