i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize