He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Let's paint friendship bongs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
