He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
