I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
