i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
