I will die if light touches me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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