New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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