I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
