i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
