ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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