We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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