i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Houston, we have a squirter
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
