So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
These tits shall not be calmed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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