i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
