if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
