i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
