cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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