I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
