He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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