Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
