if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize