There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
