Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
