I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
