Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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