oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
