im six kinds of drunk right now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
