You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
