I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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