nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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