About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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