Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
