My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
