Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
