remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
