Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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