I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
