I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
