note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Im part way to drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
