can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
