so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
