I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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