it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
