I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
