On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
MIDGETS
????
Randomize
