the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
