She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
