We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
try to milk me bitch
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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