Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
