apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
