My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
