I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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