I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
