you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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