the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
