I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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