I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
