could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
