She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
