OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
